Even though Cinco de Mayo is really only celebrated in the U.S.––because someone, probably a Boomer, told someone else at some point that it was a big holiday in Mexico (it’s not, it’s like a super-minor-sort-of-celebration), and now everyone and their mother thinks it’s Mexico’s Independence Day, which is actually in September–– it’s usually a fun excuse to drink a lot of tequila and Coronas, eat tacos and quesadillas, and make generally bad decisions.
Enter 2020, that puta. If you’re still trying to be a responsible member of society, then you’re most likely stuck at home without anyone to celebrate with. Sad.
But don’t worry! There’s a silver lining: due to the fact that you’re quarantining, you can finally celebrate Cinco de Mayo the right way, even though it falls on a Tuesday. Think about it: you’re not stuck in the office, you don’t have a commute and even if you work tomorrow, it doesn’t matter if you’re hungover or look like ass.
To help you celebrate, we have done extensive research (no we haven’t), to create starter packs so you can plan the perfect Cinco de Mayo party. Based on who you are as a person, we have chosen the best margaritas, the right food pairings, some great activities, and even some quick decorations you can most likely find in your trash, I mean, at home.
So... Here they are. Choose wisely:
The Fitness Guru Fiesta Starter Pack:
The Margarita:
The “I’m So Skinny, Literally Look At My Abs-Rita”: half shot of Casamigos Tequila, ⅓ of a Truvia/Stevia packet, one lime, and diet water (sure, why not) to taste. Pro tip: add a few drops of sweat from your carb-eating neighbor, who you harass to do your (incredible 30-minute HIIT Zumba Death) workouts with you for an extra salty, motivational kick!
The Food:
Arugula and kale tacos with lettuce taco shells. As sides: tasteless quinoa and vegan, homemade, fat-free almond-based queso
The Decorations:
A Powerpoint presentation with all the Apple Watch pictures of the calories you’ve burned since March. Overhead, decorating the walls and ceiling are streamers made with recycled Truvia packets, almond milk cartons and avocado pits (from Mexico!) taped together. Of course, the napkin holders are made of 5lb. weights and all the table cloths are made of lycra.
The Activities:
Start with a 5 minute plank and a few hundred push-ups to warm yourself up for day-drinking, cause “nothing good starts without a great warm up”, then start the party by leading a kickboxing dance workout where you drink a margarita instead of water, and take a shot during every “active rest,” and a shot for every time you got to flex your muscles. You’re sexy and you know it don’t you?
The Instagram Influencer Fiesta Starter Pack:
The Margarita:
The Most Annoyingly Instagrammable Cocktail Of All Time-Rita: add 1 shot of Tequila Maestro Dobel, a splash of strawberry juice, lime juice, lemon juice, blueberry juice, orange juice; some drops of agave, and finally a dash of unicorn spit. Whisk lightly until you form the perfect rainbow cocktail which gives you wings to fly (maybe it’s the free mushrooms you got in the mail kicking in?). Of course, you make them one by one and film the whole process for your fans, then post an instagram collage of every angle before it melts and you’re forced to chug it or throw it in the trash...along with your degree.
The Food:
Make your own everything, with stations for quesadillas, tacos, burritos and bowls –– of course, there’s enough for a party of 20 (because ~aesthetic~) even though it’s just for you and your weird sister. You simply must make, and try, one of each, while filming the experience so your 16 loyal followers can live vicariously through you. Sadly, since leftovers are not Instagrammable, you have to throw everything out at the end.
The Decorations:
You don’t need us for this. You planned ahead and spent $100 on Amazon about five weeks ago so you could have the perfect green, white and red Instagram wall, mariachi hats, shot glasses, and of course, a Mexico-flag-colored face paint. You’re ready.
The Activities:
Taking 768 pictures and videos of the set up, the food, the decorations, and the view from your balcony. Pretending to enjoy yourself by taking selfies with your sister, slow-motion cheese pulls, and boomerangs clinking your monogrammed margaritas, then sitting on the floor for an hour aggressively uploading content so your feed and your stories show how much fun your having. Once thats done you give up on everything and chug tequila directly from the bottle...Now it’s a party.
The Overachiever/Entrepreneur Fiesta Starter Pack:
The Margarita:
The “I’m better than you because I own my own business(es)-rita”: two shots of tequila Don Julio 70, because you can, four ounces of ginger ale, some drops of the tears of your haters (amount will depend on how awesome you are), and a pinch of gold flakes for decor. Of course you show off every part of the drink because you own a 0.01% share of Reserva Don Julio, you sell margarita glasses, and you just invested in an edible gold company yesterday. Also, since the early the early bird gets the worm, you started drinking at 6 a.m.
The Food:
Wagyu beef steak tacos, with microengineered vegetables, again, because you can. These are served on your all-new tortillas (#SupportLocal) made from the pink and purple corn that you just started importing to the U.S. and Europe from the farm you built in Teotihuacán. “They are the best tortillas you’ll ever eat. Trust me. You need them. I’ll sell ‘em to you cheap cause we’re friends, only $45.99 per dozen”.
The Decorations:
Party favors you got from an an app called “Prty” that “delivers the party to you,” which sounds cool, but also kind of like a stripper service. The starup belongs to your stupid step brother, who you secretly hate for trying to out-entrepeneur you, but your mom made you show support, and you needed something nice with short notice, so you really had no choice. Guess it’s time to Prty.
The Activities:
You will teach an amazing Cinco de Mayo-themed workshop via Zoom on “How to start your own business from your couch”. All while drunk emailing your investors with one hand and chugging tequila and Red Bull with the other. Oh, you unstoppable beast.
The “I’m Only Celebrating So I Can Day-Drink but I Don't Feel Any Joy Whatsoever“ Sad Amigo Fiesta Starter Pack:
The Margarita:
The “I Don’t Give a Fuck Because We Are All Going To Die-Rita”: don’t measure the shots of your Jose Cuervo tequila, just pour as much as your glass can handle, and if it overflows that’s fine too. Add any hot sauce, some weird liquids you found in your fridge (pickle juice? Sure. Soy Sauce? Why not), maybe add some bacon to it, and then top it off with a few drops of your family’s disappointment.
The Food:
Chicken, bacon, sausage, pork belly quesadillas, cooked in lard and butter. As a side, loaded tater-tot nachos, smothered in sour cream and garlic, which you picked up from your favorite pre-quarantine Mexican spot, without a mask, gloves or even a shower.
The Decorations:
Get your weekly trash. Empty it on your table. Gather everything that is not rotten, staple it together, and TADAH, decorations!
The Activities:
Get really drunk and cry about the world, because deep (deep) down you really do care and alcohol makes you feel things.
Now that you’ve chosen the perfect party for you, you’re ready for your “Estamos Atrapados Pero Hay Tequila” Cinco de Mayo fiesta! Be yourself, and remember, day-drinking alone is actually the responsible choice today… you’ll probably never get to say that again, so enjoy it? Salud compadre!
Estamos bien? No se, pero we’ll definitely have a hell of a hangover.
