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  • Rachel Solis

"Friends": Quarantine Edition

Anyone who knows me, knows that I practically live and breathe for every single episode of Friends. This show has literally changed the way I talk, think, and basically function as a human being.

Even though Netflix stabbed me in the back by taking it off their platform (I am still upset, but that’s beside the point), I can’t help but imagine what it would have been like if they had lived in times of self-isolation.

So let's imagine together, shall we?


Ross

Oh poor Ross. If we go back to a time where he and Rachel weren’t a thing (not even on a break), and he was still trying to get over the fact that his ex-wife is a lesbian, Ross would have found himself living alone, in a very, very sad quarantine. Maybe he would be productive and take all this time to discover something groundbreaking (no pun intended) about paleontology to prove to his friends that his PhD is really just as good as an MD. On the other hand, this might be exactly what he has been preparing for: DANGER. After all, he has mastered the art of “UNAGI,” a total state of awareness, or fresh water eel, whatever.

Ross, we know you’re totally and definitely FINE, but if by any chance you feel stressed by this whole situation, ask yourself, what would a dinosaur do? Remember we can still turn this around… or should we say pivot(!!!)


Monica

For the love of god, please someone try to calm Monica down. She is an extreme control freak, who clearly developed severe OCD after losing weight, so she would literally clean every inch of the house until it shines bright like a diamond, and then start over. Monica would feel the obligation to feed all her friends, leaving homemade jam, lasagna and Nestlé Toll House cookies on her doorstep for them to pick up. This, of course, gives her a perfect excuse to channel her frustration by cooking and baking all day, which then gives her an excuse to clean, again –– she’s very happy with this vicious circle she’s created for herself. Actually, she’s totally thriving since the CDC recruited her for techniques on how to keep homes completely germ-free.

Monica, please be careful we know you suffered from obesity and have a tendency to stress-eat. Also, please stop screaming, we’re sorry we said you were uptight, you clearly aren’t, God.


Joey

Remember, the only thing you need to do is NOT TOUCH JOEY'S FOOD –– this goes especially to his roommate, Chandler. We know these are tough times and Joey would most probably eat Monica’s entire kitchen then proceed to stare at his TV, watching Baywatch as he and Chandler develop some sort of weird quarantine game called “The first one to drop the ball has to spend the rest of the quarantine with Janice.” Joey would also have a mid-life crisis, as Estelle, his manager, tries to sell him the idea of being José, a Latino COVID-19 patient for a commercial airing on Telemundo.

Joey, you don’t speak Spanish, and NO, it is not a good idea to invite a girl over, it’s called self-isolation for a reason, control your hormones. Take this time to sit on your La-Z-Boy, eat Monica’s lasagna straight from the Pyrex, and beat Chandler at foosball, but please just don’t ask Rachel to make you a Trifle, okay?


Rachel

Rachel just found independence from her parents, cut all of her credit cards, and thought she finally had a stable job at Central Perk. But guess what? Much like the rest of us, she got put on furlough (Gunther cried for 5 straight nights before breaking the news to her). So Rachel would probably be freaking out right now, trying to sell all of her designer clothing on Ebay to pay her rent, even though Monica, her roommate, would never let her pay rent without a job...so she would probably use that money for some “retail therapy” and end up right back where she started. However, can't confirm this, since we haven’t seen her in a couple of days: she’s been hiding in her room ever since she left the milk carton on the wrong shelf on the fridge and Monica made her cry for the third time this week.

Rachel, please, whatever you do, don’t try to buy a cat that looks like it’s inside out, it will scratch your brains out, and this time, there is no where to go.


Phoebe

Phoebe was ready for this. She has been through some shit, literally. After growing up with an evil twin sister, losing her mother, and being homeless, Phoebe would be the most chill about this pandemic. She would definitely try to come up with a terrible remix of the Smelly Cat song (don’t give me wrong, this is my jam), something like: Smelly cat, smelly cat, I no longer smell you, smelly cat, smelly cat, I probably have corona and we are all going to die. Wait what? Phoebe would also make some sort of ritual where she tries to communicate with a bird, or a cat, or the spirit of her mother in a cat, to ask them when this will all be over.

Phoebe, now’s the time to check the online sale of that famous “flea market” (Pottery Barn) you always talk about. Also, those messages you are receiving are not from past Chinese emperors, it’s just your weird neighbor talking through the wall and making fun of you, again.


Chandler

Chandler has definitely not learned how to communicate in general, and he clearly has NO idea how to react to a difficult situation. If he happened to find out Monica’s grandmother has Coronavirus, he would freak out and try to ease the situation by cracking an inappropriate joke like “knock knock, who’s there? Probably not your grandmother...Just kidding, I deserve to get this virus”. Chandler, would definitely take up smoking cigarettes again, (even though he is a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need to smoke), and end up hooking up with Janice, who has the virus but decided not to tell him.

Chandler, OH. MY. GOD. please do not call her. You’re not confused, just bored. Also, it may be a good time to change jobs, that transpondster thing doesn’t sound very promising after this crisis ends, but advertising might be your calling. After all, could this BE any worse?


Even though not being able to sit on their couch at the cafe is giving them a bit of anxiety, I think, all things considered, our “Friends” would end up being okay with this pandemic (and would most likely end up giving up the distancing after two weeks to spend the rest of the quarantine together at Monica's, cause, food).


Ps: In case you were wondering, ugly naked guy’s life hasn’t changed at all, and poking him with that stick to make sure he’s breathing is still social-distancing friendly.


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