Are We Okay? The Horoscope
If there is one thing we can assure you, it’s that we are the perfect example of people that dive into an astrological chart with a divine passion. We can guarantee that the position of the moon can explain why we were crying uncontrollably while watching Lizzie McGuire sing “Hey Now” in The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
It’s clear that our reaction was due to the fact that we had a full moon the day we chose to watch the movie, and it must’ve messed with our chakras –– or we’re just emotionally unstable...Don't worry about us though, we have all of the necessary healing crystals, palo santo and sage we need to keep us connected with the positive energies of this wonderful (?) world!
Now, please join us, as we tell you how your ex is not right for you, how you are going to succeed, or fail miserably, at your job, how you’re totally going to fuck everything up with your new Hinge e-crush, and other fun things based solely on what your sign is. We may be exaggerating our knowledge of astrology, but we definitely feel a connection to the stars, the moon, and you, so feel free to make life-altering decisions based solely on our totally inexpert analysis of your life. We support you.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You don’t do well with people telling you what to do, so you’re definitely not loving all these quarantine rules. You’re having trouble staying home, and you don’t have the patience to order food from an app and wait for it to get to you, so this whole thing is not ideal.
Aquarius, this is a great time to get to know yourself and channel your frustrations in a healthy way. We don’t mean brainstorming ways to sneak out without getting caught or falling into old patterns like getting drunk (or bored) and texting your ex that you miss them. You don’t miss them...remember when they did that thing that one time? They suck. Stay away.
We see growth in your future: either you will grow as a person, or you will finally cave and give yourself a stick-and-poke tattoo or a piercing, which will probably cause an inflammation (a.k.a a growth). You do you, as long as you stay the fuck home.
Lucky Inanimate Object: A kilt
Lucky Animal: Blobfish
Song of the Month: Bop To The Top - High School Musical
Feb 19 - March 20
We get it Pisces, you’re emotional. You can’t stop crying about the world, and the people and the things. You’re breaking out because you haven’t stopped stress eating and watching sad shows on Netflix so you can have a more concrete reason to feel sad. That’s okay, but it’s time to calm down.
Try your hardest to stay grounded in the next few weeks, we know there’s a lot of uncertainty, and it’s hard not to think about all the weird dreams you’ve been having, but the centaur chasing you is just a personification of your anxiety. He’s not real. You don’t need to be afraid of horses.
Really, the thing to keep in mind is that you’re fine, and no mythological creature can change that.
It has been hard to concentrate at work these last few weeks, but things are looking up. Try to find small tasks to keep your mind busy, but be careful if you start baking––we see fire in your future, and you want to make sure you don’t burn down your neighborhood.
Lucky Inanimate object: The stolen 18-karat gold toilet
Lucky Animal: Deaf Alpaca
Song of the Month: Satan Gave Me a Taco - Beck
March 21 - Apr 19
Aries, you tend to dive head-first into things, and you like to be number one, which means you need to be the absolute best at quarantining: you haven’t left your house in 8 weeks, you haven’t seen a single soul, you don’t believe in produce so you have been living off canned beans and tuna. You are as clean as a whistle. You have yelled at countless people to GO HOME and you reply to people’s stories daily wondering how and why they are seeing someone new.
This month we see a lot of reevaluating life choices for you. For example, those purple shoes you wore a year ago that thought were super cool? throw them away. Reorganize your pantry and your room and take an instagram story so people know you’re still winning quarantine, but try eating a fresh meal for once: you may be clean but there’s way too much sodium in your system and a lack of Vitamin C.
In terms of love, you’ve been pining after your (very single) neighbor long enough. I understand it’s hard to strike up a conversation out of nowhere, but you’re both stuck at home, you may as well be stuck together. Be careful, though, our cards don’t align super clearly, so it’s possible he’s a flat-Earther who doesn’t believe in vaccines. Tread lightly.
Lucky Inanimate Object: Ukelele
Lucky Animal: Screaming hairy armadillo
Song of the Month: The Friday Song - Rebecca Black
April 20 - May 20
So you were pretty crushed about your very detailed daily routine being broken, but about a week into quarantine, you got back on your feet. Your work-from-home setup is absolutely immaculate, and you’ve spent about a paycheck’s worth of money on skin care and bath bombs. You’ve taken up gardening and have three different types of basil growing on your windowsill, and you take a 2 hour bath every night. Honestly, treat yourself, it’s your birthday month!
After 7 weeks of going on daily jogs, making intricate avocado toasts and all the banana bread varieties you could come up with you are feeeeling yourself, you might even decide to send that kid from Hinge sultry pics. Be careful though, we are getting mixed signals: if you don’t pay close attention, you might accidentally end up send those pics to your family group chat. Either way, we’re here for you.
We know this isn’t the birthday you expected, but look at the bright side: you can make any cake you want, and eat it all by yourself without any judgment at all. Just make sure you send the Hinge pic before you eat the cake, cause finding the right angle is much harder when you have a food baby.
Lucky Inanimate Object: An almost-finished puzzle that’s missing a piece
Lucky Animal: Albino iguana
Song of the Month: Sexy Back - Justin Timberlake
May 21 - June 20
The people you’re quarantining with have stopped paying attention to you, so you’ve resorted to telling your dog and succulents about how your inability to recognize your flaws stemmed from the that one time you were praised by a teacher in the 3rd grade, and even though your paper maché volcano did not erupt, you still got a trophy for participation (in a mandatory science fair?). On another note, your Instagram is popping but all the content is the same because, like the rest of us, you haven’t left your house in weeks.
Gemini, your constant desire for human interaction is definitely being hindered, but your recent subscription to Zoom allows you video chat with your friends and family for hours on end. Be careful you don’t get confused though, you might accidentally hang up a conference call with your boss by saying “Love you,” or even worse refer to him/her as “mom” or… “daddy” (oh honey, no). Hopefully by the time you see them again, they’ll have forgotten.
Lucky Inanimate Object: An uneven table cloth
Lucky Animal: Screaming Marmot
Song of the Month: Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
Jun 21 - July 22
We know, it’s been really hard. Social Distancing when all you want to do is be around people is super difficult for you, but you became best friends with the feral cat that hangs out outside your window, and now you talk to him instead. You’ve redecorated your room to include a cozy (but super badass) pillow fort, and now this is pretty much where you spend all your time. Also, your plant was giving off some negative vibes so you taught yourself Reiki to make sure she flourishes. Everything’s okay now.
Keep embracing your crazy, Cancer, it will take you places (figuratively… please don’t go anywhere), just make sure you don’t fall in love with someone you’ve never met, especially if they refuse to FaceTime with you, or even tell you his/her last name… I mean come on, their selfies have a watermark for crying out loud, don’t get bamboozled. Other than that, this month you might win the lottery or develop a serious sugar addiction, but you’ll be happy either way.
Lucky Inanimate Object: A homemade rain stick
Lucky Animal: Catfish
Song of the Month: Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride from Lilo & Stitch
July 23 - August 22
Hey Leo, remember those times when you used to love yourself deeply, and everything you did was bold and courageous? Well, things have taken a bit of a turn for you this quarantine. You’ve been having some aggressive meltdowns in your shower, while listening to Passenger and Sam Smith on repeat and constantly forgetting if you already applied shampoo or not. Don’t be so hard on yourself Leo, it is always nice to let ourselves be and let it all out.
You’ve been wondering what it feels like to go on a date or even just like another human being for a change. If you meet a guy in that weird bar you plan to enter because you’re feeling rebellious (why is it open? Someone please shut it down), remember: HE IS NOT AS CUTE AS YOUR DRUNKEN SELF IS TELLING YOU! He is also not very smart –– he’s convinced this virus is a myth created by the government, but can’t explain why they would do such a thing. In other words, he’s definitely not worth getting the ‘rona over. Please go home and stay there until you burn this stupid phase. We know it’s been a while since anything interesting happened in your life, but Netflix has some interesting shows...watch those instead. We still love you Leo, stay hydrated.
Lucky Inanimate Object: Gwyneth Paltrow’s “This Smells Like My Vagina” Candle
Lucky Animal: A mutant chihuahua
Song of the Month: Toxic - Britney Spears
August 23 - Sept 22
There is not much for you to do so your detail-oriented, perfectionist self is finding means to stay busy by color-coding your closet, alphabetizing your spice cabinet and pressure cleaning your patio. You keep obsessing over finding the right tone of light blue for the background of a presentation you were supposed to send three weeks ago, so your boss is yelling at you, which is making you even more anxious and obsessive.
Oh virgo, it’s going to be okay. Grab a brown paper bag and BREATHE, you’ve got this. Light some candles, take a bath and relax. Focus on things that you can control, like getting back on your boss’s good side: finish that presentation, and consider sending him coffee via Uber Eats and maybe kissing his ass a little extra by asking the barista to make a heart shape on the foam or something, otherwise your mean co-worker with the nose job is going to steal your promotion. It’s your time to shine ––and we don’t mean something literal like polishing the floors in your house for the third time this week, we mean figuratively–– you can do it!
Lucky Inanimate Object: A flying Roomba
Lucky Animal: Centipede with a broken leg
Song of the Month: The Avocado Song
Sept 23 - Oct 22
You are always pretty rational, and you’re all about balance, but the quarantine has gotten the best of you –– there’s no balance in the world and therefore your life feels out of whack. You’re trying to seek that missing equilibrium by strengthening your relationships, which translates to calling every single one of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances multiple times a day to “check on them” and “make sure they’re okay.” On top of that, you are now in three very demanding romantic relationships with people you met on dating apps a week ago.
Make sure you stay on top of your work, cut down on the dating apps, and seek deeper connections. Also eat more fiber –– we see constipation in your future. Fruits and veggies (maybe some Kombucha) should do the trick.
It’s time to try to restore the balance within yourself. Stop calling others to check on them so much, and call yourself. Are you okay Libra?
Lucky Inanimate object: A fig
Lucky Animal: A tiny giraffe
Song of the Month: Everybody Hurts - R.E.M
October 23 - Nov 21
Scorpios are always a step ahead of the rest of us, so you knew something was coming, and you prepared for it. You didn’t buy out any store at the beginning of March, you’ve been stocking up on toilet paper, hand sanitizer, flour, and yeast for years, because you could sense you would need it sooner or later. You are using this time to rekindle important friendships, form deeper bonds with those around you, and completely dispose of the people you were simply tolerating before this whole thing.
This is a great time to set plans in motion, and if there’s one thing you are, it's ambitious, so you definitely have a few ideas. That new business venture has potential, and if you work on it as hard as you worked on getting a live-in significant other before quarantining so you wouldn’t have to be alone during a pandemic, I see success in your future. On a more ~romantic~ note: you are also going to be trying new things in bed, it’s in your nature… just make sure you remember you’re not as flexible as you think.
Lucky Inanimate Object: a Venus flytrap
Lucky Animal: a co-dependent praying mantis
Song of the Month: Just Had Sex - The Lonely Island ft. Akon
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Sagittarius, we know you tend to overthink in a really poetic way, but those philosophical questions that keep popping into your head may be from all the weed you decided to smoke… we get it, there just isn’t much else to do. Good choice though, at least you are feeling relaxed. But no, this virus is not a reincarnation of humanity’s past mistakes turned into karma, because that makes no sense. Maybe you should’ve stopped at the third hit? Who cares, at this point you might as well channel all these (very accurate, not-at-all-insane) thoughts and start writing your debut (fiction) novel.
Speaking of novels, I see you getting into some deep conversations about reinventing yourself. And I am not talking about a partnership with your weird cousin who always tells you he has a “groundbreaking idea” while he’s just collecting rocks in his backyard. You may be diving into art soon, like painting a mural or making sculptures out of avocados. Warning: take care of your ears, we know the boredom is getting to you, but please don’t pull a Van Gogh on us. We need you to keep it clean and classy, Sagittarius.
Lucky Inanimate Object: Britney Spears’ shaved hair circa ‘07
Lucky Animal: A parrot with identity problems
Song of the Month: O Fortuna - Carl Orff
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Capricorn, you had a very detailed 5-year plan, which included getting a six-pack, becoming the youngest V.P. in your company, getting married, and buying a house…and then everything went to shit. The first couple of weeks you took some hard hits: you ate a pint of ice cream per day, you weren’t showering, and your dog Fifi was starting to worry for your health as your 5-year plan slipped further and further away. But you are nothing if not stubborn, so you picked yourself up, reorganized your priorities, and created a color-coated 5-month plan that includes starting at least two new businesses where you’re the boss, documenting your journey to a six-pack in a blog, and writing a book about how to achieve your goals.
I know you’re feeling great, but you need to find a balance between work and life. Check in on your friends before they get so annoyed at looking at pictures of how many calories you burned today that they unfollow you, bake something with real sugar to remember what happiness feels like, and narrow down the number of people you’re talking to on Hinge so you can create some meaningful relationships instead of just sending and receiving nudes… You don’t have to achieve everything today. Take a nap.
Lucky Inanimate Object: a 2020 planner
Lucky Animal: an upside-down cockroach
Song of the Month: Coincidance ("Wow you can really dance") - Tik Tok
No matter which sign you are, we are all a little crazy at heart, and we can say that with all the non-astrological confidence in the world. We are living in times where questioning ourselves is as normal as brushing your teeth (please, tell us you are at least still doing that). Of course, this all leads us to the inevitable question: Are We Okay? Well it looks like the planets got stuck on their orbits and we’ll have to learn to live with Mercury being in retrograde forever, but hey, at least we have Wi-Fi and a lots of snacks to balance it out!