Are We Okay? A Memoir
Are We Okay? Case Study: "365 Days"
Another week has passed, and somehow "365 Days" is still on Netflix’s U.S. Top 10. This movie hast spent more time at #1 than almost any other movie or show since the chart was introduced, getting knocked off and reclaiming the spot twice already. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, “we couldn’t help but wonder” what all the hype was about, so we decided to see for ourselves. Of course, the trailer was a huge red flag, but, as you might already know, we tend to take red flags as invitations.
By the time the movie ended we were in tears. From laughing so hard. Because this movie is, hands down, the worst movie on the planet. 365 DNI is 114 minutes of nonsense and porn. We would warn about spoilers ahead, but since there’s no plot, there can’t be any spoilers. Here is our analysis and commentary of this amazing trash movie. True garbage. Must watch. 0/10 stars. Awful. Watch it.
The characters (?)
Laura - Narcoleptic, suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, doesn’t like to be confused with a “bag of potatoes.” Not great at speaking but 11/10 at having on-camera orgasms and making everything sound like an innuendo.
Massimo - Sexy kidnapper. Head honcho of Italian Mafia. Really worried about losing his “baby girl.” Everything he does totally screams sexual assault (the flight attendant? The pulling her by the neck? The grabbing. by. the. pussy!?!!?!!?) except he’s hot and therefore our brain (body...genitals) thinks it’s fine. Oh. Also, he might be a ghost.
Olga - The friend. Sort of a voice of reason, but also, mostly not. Might be in love with Laura. Great at makeovers.
Domenico - Massimo’s assistant. If Massimo was Regina George, Domenico would be Gretchen Wieners. He is the holder of the secrets. His job includes babysitting Laura, reminding her to “behave,” and also acting as her fluffer -- aka, the guy who provides her emotional support (like a boyfriend) with no benefits.
Martin - Laura’s boyfriend. The worst. Quick question @Casting team: who chose this guy? Can we talk?
Mario - Massimo’s something. Yells at him and makes phone calls when told. Not a clue what his purpose is. He’s just always there giving his opinion.
Anna - Massimo’s ex. Angry bitch. Seems important but isn’t.
There’s other people probably. They’re mostly irrelevant. Tbh, half the people we mentioned are also irrelevant because their purpose is nonexistent.
The Plot… A.K.A The Porn (???)
Honestly. You shouldn’t expect any sort of storyline here.
Every part of this movie that is not a sex scene is super cringe. Some sex scenes are also cringe. There are a lot of dress-up/makeover sequences that are definitely an attempt to distract from the fact that there is nothing really going on, but they’re better than watching the characters speak. We hate it when they speak.
However, here is the (very loose) premise of the film…
A man, who is the head of a mafia family, sees a woman on a beach one time. He fantasizes about her a lot, and so when he finally sees her again 5 years later, he kidnaps her. He tells her she WILL fall in love with him within 365 days, and (spoiler alert) she does. If this sounds oddly familiar it’s because someone probably took acid, or shrooms or something while watching “Beauty and the Beast” and “50 Shades of Gray” and created this monstrosity loosely based on the same premise –– seriously, why is this a common movie theme? What is wrong with us?
After a lot, like, A LOT, of back and forth, they finally have sex, and it just kind of turns into porn. Like it was porn before but now it’s just. You know? Like… definitely not a movie you want to watch with your parents. That would be bad.
We had a lot of things to say as we watched it –– thoughts, feelings and many many questions. Here they are:
Sorry they didn't mean to offend you Mr. Mafia man, they just wanted your money in exchange for the underage girls.
Women are referred to as merchandise. Love that. Love that a lot.
However apparently Mr. Mafia offended someone -- we won’t know who it was -- but you’s gonna die.
In the world’s longest death sequence -- Lovely music selection though: boyband chic.
He’s blackmailing the mean banker man. HAHAHAHA “THIS IS AMERICA” -- sir, this is the mafia you’re dealing with. Are you lost?
Look at this bitch go –– Looks like she’s good at her job where people underestimate her -- but she sure shows them! We have no idea what’s going on but she definitely came out on top.
Her boyfriend is literally 50 years old. Daddy issues much?
Haunting airplane scene. Is this consensual? We genuinely can’t tell.
ARE YOU LOST BABY GORL - I AM SEXY GRU. GORL.
Seriously though, who the fuck decided that “are you lost baby girl?” was a clever pick-up line? Cringe.
He really disappeared there.
So she was kidnapped.
We’ve never seen a more calm human. She’s loving being kidnapped. She’s wearing heels as she’s trying to “escape.”
“Im gonna tell you something so incredible that --” spoiler alert, it’s not incredible.
This man is so intense.
Don’t want to be an asshole but her accent makes her acting worse.
Surprise! Your old, fat, bald boyfriend was cheating on you!
PSA: This is sexual assault. No matter how hot he is.
She runs stupid.
He has dungeons. Um. Red flag?
Scratch that. He has a torture chamber. Alfredo (?) is tied to a table. RED FLAG.
Good bye Alfredo. We don’t know who you are or why this is important. Ciao bello.
Oh good she fainted again. How has she made it this far in life?
Love half-naked men watching his hostage sleep. Super sexy.
On another note, this man is cut. like. a. statue.
She's not a bag of potatoes. She does fall like one though.
Who wrote this script part 1003940903850394.
What is Domenico’s job description again?
Oh she’s asleep again. Aaaaand he’s watching her again. We sense a pattern.
Cue shopping dress-up scene. She seems to be really loving this being kidnapped thing.
This man is a world of contradictions.
Bitch, pay attention you’re on an island -- he also apparently owns Italy? In other words you’re fucked (hehehehe).
“Is it true that you wont touch me without my permission?” she asks, after he has already touched her repeatedly without her permission.
“What do you do?” - “Business.” Oh okay.
He asks her to teach him to be gentle. He doesn’t mean it.
Also why do you need to be taught how to be gentle? Is that not a huge red flag? Apparently not because she tells her mom she’s totally fine and has a new job in Sicily -- she went missing for a few days but she’s chilling now.
Why is literally every action she performs somehow sexual?
He has a nice butt. She keeps looking at his peepee. Ah he noticed. This whole exchange is really cringe.
If he says baby girl one. more. time.
He really pulled her by the neck.
Love how he does something rapy. Tells her he’s kind of a rapist. And the movie just continues as if nothing.
Quick mental exercise: imagine this movie, but the main character is old and fat. See? Not so sexy now huh?
Planes must really turn this man on.
Why is Domenico the only person she speaks to?
She’s a woman. She’s “difficult,” because she has original thoughts. How weird.
Now she's going to his room? Even though last time he tied her up and molested her on a plane as a consequence. She needs psychiatric assistance.
He has chains? Red flag.
The way he bites his lip? Red flag.
Is there a flag worse than red? There’s a lot of things that scream WARNING at this point. Asking for a friend.
He really is a megalomaniac that he thinks she's gonna “see what she's missing” from watching him receive a blowjob? Good work Massimo. You really took that orgasm like a champ.
She’s dressed like she’s going clubbing and everyone is making a big deal about how she looks like a slut?
Did he actually shoot those people right then and there?
Laura, you bitch. You dressed like a whore and Massimo had to shoot handsy’s hands off. You oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Is she gonna fall off the boat?
HAHAHAHAHA SHE FELL OFF THE BOAT AND HE SWAN DOVE TO GET HER
Apparently in Poland they don't teach people to swim
Aaaaaand she’s asleep again?
She’s definitely narcoleptic.
Aaaaand he’s watching again. Blegh.
She’s very grateful that he saved her. But she only fell cause they were fighting -- “Thank god I was so close!” Um, sir, hate to break it to you, but she wouldn't have fallen if it wasn’t for you.
That escalated quickly.
Did he just? Spit in her?
Porn on boat x4.
For those counting, almost 5 mins of nonstop porn.
Another dress up scene.
This masquerade ball is giving us 50 Shades vibes.
Anna’s kind of a bitch.
She’s upset because Anna was a bitch. They don’t talk about it. They just have sex and move on. Greaaaat way to solve your problems people 11/10.
He says I love you (?)
The fluffer tries to put her at ease before she heads to Poland. Thanks again Mr. Fluffer.
LOL where is Anna?...We will never know.
Describing your boo thang as an Alpha Male? Nope.
Love Laura telling her best friend how AMAZING her kidnapping was.
Ah, here we go, she snapped into reality. She now knows she’s insane. Cool, cool.
The friend is chill. She’s like “Okay, you’re insane. On a more positive note: makeover time!”
Laura now looks like a dominatrix. Interesting choice. NGL took us a few seconds to realize it was her.
Oh wait. Did we just find out that Massimo’s people drugged Martin to get him to cheat on Laura? The plot thickens. Lol jk no it doesn’t. They don’t talk about it.
He licked his entire hand and we are shooketh.
Is that a gunshot wound? Honestly no clue what’s going on.
Oh of course they are getting married, why not?
Another shopping sequence. Massimo is as over this as we are.
Her parents literally don’t give a single fuck about anything do they?
Oh Olga the friend is here!
Of course Laura is pregnant. It was truly the one element missing.
Something is going to happen now we can feel it.
Oh… she dies?
Probably not though because we found out this trash is based on the first of a trilogy of books. Trilogy, as in three. God help us.
Now, on to the main question: did we like it?
Honestly, we have a hard time answering. We definitely hated it, it’s objectively awful, but we also keep telling everyone to watch it (???). Like it’s so bad that you need to see it. Although, we do think it’s insane that this actually became the top movie in the U.S and stayed there, we can kinda see why:
The first reason is our current situation. We’ve been cooped up too long, and… the script is awful, not to mention the assault and misogyny, but people haven’t gotten some in a while and this is essentially just a lot of sex.
The second is that this movie is like when you bite into a chocolate bonbon with a really awful filling. You tell people how bad it is while also giving it to them to try... and they actually do, knowing full well what they’re getting into. You want them to share in this awful experience with you –– If you multiply that scenario by millions you get this movie as #1 in the U.S.
Let’s face it, as a society, we love making nonsense viral, because we love sharing the suffering: from Tiger King to Gangnam Style. This shouldn’t surprise us as much as it does.
Are we okay? As long as nobody EVER calls us “baby girl.”